the impossibly long to-do list
04.21.08
There are less than four weeks left to this pregnancy, not nearly enough time to get through the to-do list which grows each and every day. And as each day passes, I grow just a little more panicky that there are so many things that I will just not get to. Of course, I know that it’s not really about the list. After all, I hardly need to sew matching outfits for the baby and her cousin, nor should I really try to take one desperate attempt to rid our backyard of the rampant blackberry canes with a few sprays of Round-Up. But in some ways it seems like my only way of dealing with this impending birth. There doesn’t really seem to be any good way to truly prepare myself emotionally for the changes that are coming, but hanging a chandelier in our bedroom? Tricky, but definitely possible, and supremely satisfying once completed.
And I have to admit how scared I am about what’s about to happen. Not the birth itself, but what will come afterwards. I had such a hard time after I had Otis - it was 6 months before I really felt like a real person again, and much longer before I felt like myself. And while I know that I will always be a mom now, I was not prepared for how effortlessly mothering could consume the rest of my identity, especially since I don’t have a career that can otherwise define my role in the world and and no true end to my “maternity leave.” It was a real struggle to start being creative again, and I wasn’t even sure I had the discipline to carve time out for myself and to focus on my own work. It’s definitely not perfect now - I would love to work more hours and with more efficiency, and figure out how I want to take my work into a more public forum, but it definitely feels more like a workable balance between being mom, working at my paying job, and doing my own work.
But it’s been three years since we brought Otis home from the hospital. How long will it take this time? Otis is so independent now, and I can barely remember how entirely dependent he was on me for his survival. I imagine that it’ll be easier this time around; after all, we’re more experienced, less nervous parents now. It may be naive for me to believe so, but I think that Otis will adapt to his new sibling with ease and grace, as he has to almost all the changes we have thrown his way. But I expect that there are things that will be difficult which will take us by surprise. All of this feels so self-indulgent in many ways - after all, I have the luxury of having choices in terms of what kind of work I do, plus a great family support network that generously lavish their time and love on us, especially Otis, yet I’m focused on how I’ll feel about myself in six months… So, well, much easier to work on that to-do list. I’ll post some recent projects soon.
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1.
Cala | 04.21.08 at 8.09 am
Isn’t it odd how we can find transitions in our lives to be so scary, yet we still throw ourselves at them with all our might? I know that I secretly crave change and upheaval, but I still find myself “freaked the S*&# out” when I’m actually in the midst of it. My comfort? The unwavering belief that we move through these obstacles because we are supposed to. Living life can be a bit frightening, but isn’t that why we’re here? (cue cheesy music…)
On a more direct level… Your musings about your life constantly reveal you to be a thoughtful, competent, creative and deeply intelligent person. These qualities that you share via your blog are qualities I dare say you must bring to your parenting.
As for you and the challenges that will accompany finding yourself (in the midst of your new relationship with your daughter), my guess is that this change will be a new informant to your creative voice and to your sense of self. I see Otis having played that role already. (and you’ve revealed how much you want a daughter, who will have her own chance to mingle herself amongst your creative choices!) Of course, finding the time for all of your existing pursuits will be a challenge, but as your priorities change, so will your work in its volume (which might decrease) and its quality (which might increase). I suspect that this new step in your life will inform what you do in a deeply positive way.
Hope I didn’t soapbox that one too much, Shiso… ;)
2.
sarahgrace | 04.21.08 at 8.40 am
I understand how you feel, being a first time mother is a tremendous change, and often difficult, and of course, life will never be the same. For me, the second child was much easier to adjust to because I knew what to expect, and all the turmoil that I experienced with the first one (hormones included) seemed to balance out. I hope that it is the same way for you!
3.
lisa s | 04.21.08 at 8.58 am
keep breathing…. all will be fine!! :)
4.
madmommy | 04.21.08 at 1.19 pm
Doesn’t it seem strange how much has changed in just three years? When our son was born, pacifiers were considered something to steer away from. Now they encourage their use, to prevent SIDS, and I just saw an article that described how to “encourage” a reluctant baby to take a paci!
As for the mommy identity, I can sympathize. I ended up in the hospital when the munchkin was three months old, with severe post-partum depression. I took a long time to find myself as a mother, and then even longer to recreate my own sense of self. you are not alone. Hugs.
5.
Sam | 04.21.08 at 4.32 pm
It’s hard to not feel completely consumed during those hazy first months with an infant. Lack of sleep alone would be enough to make anyone a crazy person (may you be blessed with a good sleeper, not that I was). And I think you are right to be thinking of yourself at this point, it’s so easy to be overwhelmed with everyone else. Needy baby. A son who wants his mama’s time and attention same as ever. But you are a fiercely smart and talented lady. You will find a way to make it all work. Just as you have before. It just may take a little while. Sending all best thoughts and wishes your way…
6.
elsiemarley | 04.21.08 at 8.59 pm
I found I became much more organized after I had my second child. The time you have to do as you please is very limited, so you get down an do it. Before there was maybe time for a little nap or long cup of coffee, now I sew if I have time or check off something on my to do list (a list of things I want to do, not have to do–that’s for another time). My kids are only 17 months apart, so there was a lot of juggling, and it got hectic, but not at the beginning. You forget just how much a new baby sleeps. And if you let them, they do just sleep and sleep. Or maybe that’s just what 2nd babies do. When the last thing you really need to do is crossed off the list, you’ll have the baby! Somehow your mind has to be clear to be ready. I think.
7.
Lonie Polony | 04.22.08 at 1.59 am
What you’re feeling sounds completely normal to me. I was panicked with the imminent arrival of each baby, but of course everything turned out fine (ie: controlled chaos, as much as that is possible!)
Otis will adapt just fine. As you know, the attitudes of very young children are largely shaped by the attitudes of their parents, and I have no doubts you are both positive about the new baby and all the extra fun and love she will bring into Otis’s life :)
8.
sereneonion | 04.22.08 at 8.12 am
oh best of luck! i have no babies so i can’t say anything comforting with any sincerity at all (heh), but otis is so cute! the new baby will be too! :D
9.
ilikeredbean | 04.22.08 at 9.02 am
i think its fine to think about yourself a little bit. i’m not a mother but i know my mom never thought about HERSELF or took care of herself — she was always busy taking care of us. i think she could have used some time back then to think about herself a little bit too and find that balence you talked about.
10.
Tammy | 04.22.08 at 8.02 pm
I have an 8 week old and almost 3.5 year old and can completely relate. When I was about to have Thomas(the baby), I suddenly freaked out about how I was going to manage. What was I thinking wanting to have another child when Julia, my eldest, was so independent and we were almost to the point where we could be selfish again! However, I have found it to be much easier this time around. I’m so much more relaxed with the baby and know that if he cries he’s not going to perish. I find time for me when everyone is asleep, like right now. The thing is to accept any and all help, and make sure to NOT lose yourself. As another commenter stated, you’re such a thoughtful and contemplative person, Otis and the little girl to be are very lucky.
11.
anna | 04.23.08 at 4.50 pm
Oh, so beautifully expressed! I know exactly what you mean, and though I have no particularly useful advice I just wanted to say that the very fact that you are aware of and thinking over these things indicates how deliberate and mindful you are as a parent of one, and you will be as a parent of two. I only have one so far, and I also went through a very long adjustment period after she was born. Now we are trying for number two and all of the things you write about have been floating around my mind as well. Best of luck!