shiso mama

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past three years worrying about Otis’s lack of interest in art. It’s such a large part of my life that the thought that it might not be an important part of his has caused me no small amount of distress. It was as troubling as if he suddenly discovered a passion for pleated khakis, button down oxford shirts and non-ironic penny loafers. But I was determined not to push or force any art-making on him. We’ve let him discover his own interests, and on his own time, so I would offer him art materials once in a while and let him decide whether he was interested or not (usually not).

Now I’m happy to report that he has lately discovered his love of drawing and sculpture. And wouldn’t you know it? He doesn’t draw or sculpt anything except animals. Watching his developing interest in art has been really interesting. In the beginning, he rarely wanted to attempt to make anything himself - he was never a doodler, and rarely took much pleasure from just making lines or exploring. Rather, he wanted to watch us draw or sculpt whatever he requested (animals, of course), which I quite honestly was reluctant to do. I never tell or show any of my students the “right” way to make anything, and I didn’t want to do this for Otis, either. As a result, he usually grew quite frustrated with not being able to make things as he thought they should look, and gave up quickly, despite all encouragement. Now he is much better able to translate what he sees into what he makes, and it makes art-making a more satisfying experience for him (although he does still become frustrated if he can’t make it “right”).

It is one of my greatest pleasures watching him create now, illustrating his elaborate animal narratives. My current favorite drawing is above, which he describes as “Giraffes - bird giraffe, eagle giraffe, giraffe with big ears, giraffe with short hair and giraffe with long hair.” We’ve been steadily making our way through the roll of paper on his art table and our pencils are getting shorter and stumpier by the day as his portfolio grows thicker (what can I say? I’m sentimental and save everything). I’m excited to see how his interests and his artwork develop.

There are less than four weeks left to this pregnancy, not nearly enough time to get through the to-do list which grows each and every day. And as each day passes, I grow just a little more panicky that there are so many things that I will just not get to. Of course, I know that it’s not really about the list. After all, I hardly need to sew matching outfits for the baby and her cousin, nor should I really try to take one desperate attempt to rid our backyard of the rampant blackberry canes with a few sprays of Round-Up. But in some ways it seems like my only way of dealing with this impending birth. There doesn’t really seem to be any good way to truly prepare myself emotionally for the changes that are coming, but hanging a chandelier in our bedroom? Tricky, but definitely possible, and supremely satisfying once completed.

And I have to admit how scared I am about what’s about to happen. Not the birth itself, but what will come afterwards. I had such a hard time after I had Otis - it was 6 months before I really felt like a real person again, and much longer before I felt like myself. And while I know that I will always be a mom now, I was not prepared for how effortlessly mothering could consume the rest of my identity, especially since I don’t have a career that can otherwise define my role in the world and and no true end to my “maternity leave.” It was a real struggle to start being creative again, and I wasn’t even sure I had the discipline to carve time out for myself and to focus on my own work. It’s definitely not perfect now - I would love to work more hours and with more efficiency, and figure out how I want to take my work into a more public forum, but it definitely feels more like a workable balance between being mom, working at my paying job, and doing my own work.

But it’s been three years since we brought Otis home from the hospital. How long will it take this time? Otis is so independent now, and I can barely remember how entirely dependent he was on me for his survival. I imagine that it’ll be easier this time around; after all, we’re more experienced, less nervous parents now. It may be naive for me to believe so, but I think that Otis will adapt to his new sibling with ease and grace, as he has to almost all the changes we have thrown his way. But I expect that there are things that will be difficult which will take us by surprise. All of this feels so self-indulgent in many ways - after all, I have the luxury of having choices in terms of what kind of work I do, plus a great family support network that generously lavish their time and love on us, especially Otis, yet I’m focused on how I’ll feel about myself in six months… So, well, much easier to work on that to-do list. I’ll post some recent projects soon.

Lately we’ve been doing a little more cooking with Otis, with F taking over as chef/teacher. It started the other day when they made fresh-squeezed lemonade with Meyer lemons from our tree while I was pretending to be dead on the couch, and although I was too comatose to get up and watch them, listening to their interaction in the next room was just about the cutest thing I had experienced in some time. F is the perfect, patient teacher for Otis’s eagerness to do everything by himself now that he’s a “big kid.” They have now graduated to making buttermilk pancakes, which is F’s specialty. I had recently been joking with a friend that I should train Otis how to wax my legs, since I can’t reach them myself anymore, but really, the cooking will come in much handier (and cost us less in therapy later on). Here’s to hoping that this cooking becomes a trend (I just finished my second rice krispy treat that F made me for dessert tonight)!

On another Otis note, something he said this morning which we thought was hilarious: “I like pandas. I like pandas all day long.”

I wanted to share these two baby presents that we recently received that are very dear to my heart. It definitely sounds like the hormones are affecting me, doesn’t it?

We became friends with a couple in our childbirthing class when I was pregnant with Otis. We shared rides home from class, and we became very fond of them. Unfortunately, soon after our sons were born, they moved to Massachusetts. However, we have kept in touch through letters and care packages. What is amazing to me is that not only do we receive presents from Takako when she visits her family in Japan, but we also receive the most thoughtful presents from her family as well. Remember this miso cake? It was pretty amazing, and so unusual. We recently received another package, and it included this bib:

As I looked at it more closely, I realized that not only was this bib reversible, but it had all been hand-stitched. By Takako’s sister. Whom I’ve never met before. Who lives in Japan. I felt so touched that someone I’ve never met before would send such a heartfelt gift, and it made me feel a little teary. Not as teary as the time I watched The Notebook on the airplane… but you get the point.

Here’s the other present that I wanted to share with you:

An outfit from one of my favorite designers, Makie. Have you tried that flavor of Kool-Aid yet? It’s quite tasty. This sweater and dress look so small and fine in person, I can barely believe that it’s for a six month old baby. I love how un-baby it looks. In fact, it’s exactly an outfit that I would wear. It’s the kind of outfit that would horrify my family - what???? dress a baby in black and grey???? They would think it a little depressing, but it’s exactly the perfect thing, in my mind. And the best part? This present came with the arrival of some of our closest friends from New York, who have just moved to San Francisco. I appreciate their efforts to coincide their move with my upcoming need for not only a doula but a night-time baby nurse.

Recently someone asked me if I had been stocking up on baby girl clothes and I was surprised to hear myself answer no. I’m not exactly sure why, although it may to do with the fact that the sea of pink whenever I walk into one of the chain stores still gives me vertigo. Last time, I think that buying baby clothes was my way of superficially dealing with impending motherhood because it was the easiest and most immediately gratifying way. In retrospect, it probably would’ve been a better idea to read more books on parenting and childbirth or do more yoga or something. But now, I’ve still mostly just got a dresser full of those little hadagi that my mom brought over from Taiwan. Since you asked, though, I’ll share with you a few of the things I’ve been coveting. You’ll see that I waver between the wildly patterned and the subdued.

My God, please please this dress from Makie.
These little sundresses and rompers from Kit + Lili.
Onesies and cottonsuits from ittikid.
These ridiculously expensive shoes.
And just about anything from Flora and Henri, and Mor Mor Rita.
Oh, and this shirt for Otis.

I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, although it does occasionally hit the spot. (As an aside, did you know that there was a short-lived peanut butter restaurant in NYC? One of our friends was interviewed on CNN, waxing poetic about Fluffernutter sandwiches.) I do, however, love me a pb+j cookie. Same idea but in cookie form! Brilliant. Here’s a recipe I recently made up, adapted from various recipes. My cookie actually has relatively little sugar in it, because I prefer a less sweet cookie to go with my jam. This version is a little sandy in texture.

ingredients:
1/2 c unsalted butter, softened
3/4 c peanut butter (I used the natural, salted pb from Trader Joe, which is much runnier than Skippy, and has a nice, salty edge)
1/4 c sugar
1/4 c packed brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 t vanilla extract
1 1/2 c flour
3/4 t baking soda
extra granulated sugar, for rolling dough
jam

Cream the butter, peanut butter and sugars together until light and fluffy. Add egg and vanilla extract and continue mixing until well combined. Whisk flour and soda together and then add to the wet ingredients. I chilled the dough until firm, but I’m not entirely convinced this step is necessary. Form 1″ balls of dough and roll in granulated sugar. Use your thumb to make an indent and slightly flatten the dough, and fill the well with jam. I added another small piece of dough on top, to make it look more like a sandwich, and because, well, the last recipe I shared with you was a thumbprint cookie and I was feeling a bit unoriginal, but hey, you don’t gotta live with my guilt, so feel free to leave this step out. Bake at 350 for 13-15 minutes.

A package of these will go out the door tomorrow to a friend who’s celebrating a birthday soon.

I’m still full from all the food we ate over the weekend. I’m quite out of practice nowadays, especially with the baby taking up so much room. But I did manage to find the perfect way to balance a beautiful vegetarian meal (one of the best and most interesting meals we’ve had in a long time, by the way) - eat as much fried stuff and cured, salty meat the day before, both at the same time, if possible.

It’s interesting (and kinda lame, really) that one sometimes just needs to get away from their house in order to relax. I know that if I had been at home, I would’ve been thinking about all the things I should be doing, rather than just enjoying each other’s company. I know not everyone feels this way, but it definitely helps my enjoyment when the environment is just to your liking too - the hotel was modern and gorgeous, and we were taking pictures to remember ideas for our garden. And of course the massages helped too. We are so lucky to have great friends, because this weekend was an extravagant present from one very generous friend. Even after only one day, I feel better, which is good because this week’s Otis’s spring break!