waiting
01.7.08
When my mother asked if she could bring anything from Asia for me, I jumped at the chance for her to buy some of these soft Japanese infant clothes that are sold everywhere in Taiwan. They are made of the softest gauze-y cotton, and they just scream baby to me. She bought a few with button-up legs, more like the traditional one-pieces that you find here, and many of the hadagi that you see above, which close and tie like kimonos, and allow you to dress and undress the baby without pulling something over his/her head. But when I asked my mother, “How, exactly, would you wear this?” explaining that I remembered many a messy diaper that ran out of Otis’s diaper and up his back, the only thing saving my lunch being good old American crotch-snap onesies. Her answer was vague and dismissive, suggesting to me that perhaps babies in Asia do no such disgusting things. Hmm. Anyone else have any ideas about this? Or should I mostly stay with pieces with attached bottoms?
I’m feeling terribly conflicted in these last days before our 20-week ultrasound. We’ll be able to find out the gender of spawn #2, and we will, of course. We’re much too impatient to wait, and we found that knowing the sex of the baby somehow makes the baby seem less like abstract, especially for F, who can’t feel all the kicks and hiccups. Plus, I think I’ll need the time to prepare myself mentally.
As many friends and long-time readers may know, I’ve always wanted a daughter. And although this desire may manifest itself as superficially as a longing for girly dresses or hair clips or tights, it’s really about something much deeper. I don’t think girls are better than boys, and I certainly love Otis every bit as much as I would love a girl, but I think there is something unique about the relationship that a daughter has with her mother - something that my mother and I share, and something that I would mourn if I never had the chance to experience. I have fought this feeling, felt terribly guilty about it, but the desire is still there.
So I have been spending these last days feeling anxious and excited, and mostly a little scared, to know the answer. I know I will love this baby equally no matter what, but a small, ugly voice inside me persists in asking, “But what if you can’t love this baby as much? What if it is a boy, and you always think of him as your last chance, as the boy who wasn’t a girl?”
Many of you will surely have no sympathy for me. F is comforting and supportive, but even at his most empathetic, he surely feels a little puzzled at how I feel since he honestly has no preference. Of course all that truly matters is that the baby is healthy. And I know, intellectually, most of the other things you could say to comfort me. But the emotions, they are hard to deny.
Entry Filed under: shiso and F. .
19 Comments Add your own
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed
1.
Stacia | 01.7.08 at 11.14 am
Don’t succumb to guilt. You’ve written beautifully what I think again and again and again. I have two beautiful boys, I love them more than existence, but I still long for a girl sometimes. There’s a special bond that I will miss as my life moves forward. I long to have a daughter to talk to when I’m old.
Also, I too had the same fear of my second son being the ‘boy who wasn’t a girl’. But it didn’t even enter my mind once I found out. I’m convinced there’s infinite space in a mother’s heart. I love my children equally (no favorites here) as much as the sun. I bet you will too. ;)
2.
Di | 01.7.08 at 12.39 pm
I can understand that thought even though I am not a mother - but what could be more perfect in a family than a boy and a girl! We all know you will love whatever you have!!
3.
Flea | 01.7.08 at 12.54 pm
“The heart wants what the heart wants.”
—Woody Allen
Try to ignore the context of the original quote.
4.
sarahgrace | 01.7.08 at 2.10 pm
I have been there and totally understand what you are feeling right now, and I would say, don’t feel guilty, and if you do have another boy, you will love him just as much!
And if you’re like me, there’s always the third time around… ;)
5.
Sam | 01.7.08 at 3.12 pm
The gauzy baby gear looks so sweet. And as for the matter of icky messes, it’s all disgusting no matter what the kiddo is wearing…and it all goes into the wash no matter what; I say enjoy your hadagi.
6.
Ali | 01.7.08 at 4.24 pm
I so desperately wanted child number 2 to be a girl, but he isn’t. I still sometimes feel curious about how it would have been (but not curious enough to try for a 3rd!). But even though I am curious, it has never affected my love for him or bonding with him
I think, in part, that is because we found out he was a boy at the 20 week scan, so I had time to grieve for my possible little girl without it affecting him. And there was a little sadness for what could have been. I think that’s natural. Don’t beat yourself up about it either way. You just feel what you feel when you feel it. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones if it helps!
7.
sherrieg | 01.7.08 at 5.03 pm
I love that you were so completely honest - it gave me the courage to say it out loud without feeling guilty: I’m quite the opposite and would like our future children to be more boys. Thank you! And I can’t wait to see pics of your beautiful babe in those sweet clothes!
8.
molly | 01.7.08 at 7.17 pm
i have two boys and love love love them. i was sad at first when i found out “thing 2″ was going to be a boy but love how my boys can be friends growing up. although my second guy was born with a TON of hair and always joke with my hubby saying “if he was a girl i could do the cutest thing with his hair!” don’t worry…plenty of moms have battled those feelings!
9.
Hyena In Petticoats | 01.7.08 at 7.35 pm
The baby clothes are gorgeous….. could you maybe wear one of those snug diaper covers underneath to hold the nappy more firmly in place?
As for the girl thing, I think most of us completely understand where you’re coming from. Deep down, I am terrified that if I ever have children, they won’t be girls. I come from an all girl family, and I feel like with boys I would be completely in the dark. That being said though, you know perfectly well that you will love your new little one regardless of gender, so allow yourself a little time to dream, and once you know the sex, get on with business!
Good luck - I hope your dreams and wishes come true…..
xxxx
10.
Dr. Pugawug | 01.7.08 at 10.46 pm
Your honesty is refreshing (but not surprising, from the many lovely posts on your blog).
I can barely imagine the Sunday fashion fabulousity from a Miss Shiso — and who would wear Otis’ hand-me-downs? 2 good reasons to have a boy!
But seriously, I know where you’re coming from. It wasn’t until after our 20-week ultrasound, which showed very clearly that HeShe was, indeed, a She, that I could acknowledge how much I wanted a girl. Coming from a family with a sister, I felt like I could relate to a girl better than a boy, which would make raising #1 a little less of a mystery.
Good luck!
11.
lisa s | 01.7.08 at 10.49 pm
oh - don’t feel guilty.
i think it’s good to put “out there” what one wants. it sometimes helps to make things manifest from wishes to reality….
hope you are well.
happy new year!
12.
Mrs. Gregorton | 01.7.08 at 10.55 pm
I am often plagued with the “how much will I love the second one” question. Recently, a friend’s mother told me that she had the same misgivings but when the new baby came she was shocked by how much love she had for the second child and actually had to keep reminding herself to pay attention to her older one. I know this doesn’t address your specific worries but I think the moral is that, when it comes to your kids, you will always surprise yourself (and usually in a good way!).
13.
Lonie Polony | 01.7.08 at 11.04 pm
Of course all that matters is a healthy, happy baby, but I’ve had guilty, ‘wrong’ thoughts about all my babies - will they be ‘normal’? Will they be smart? I hope I won’t think them ugly, an ever-so-slight wish for a girl, etc - I think it’s only natural for parents and especially mothers.
As with the other two, we’ve kept Number Three’s gender a surprise, and we are in the happy position of it ‘not mattering one way or the other’, not only because we love boys and girls equally, but because we already have one of each! (And they’re the sweetest, cleverest, most well-favoured children in the world. Doesn’t every mother think that of their children?) :-)
14.
Lonie Polony | 01.7.08 at 11.09 pm
P.S. I hear you on the leaky nappy thing! Maybe some overpants/leggings with the kimono top? Of course, nothing’s gonna stop the kind of leak that goes right up the back, soaking clothes/sheets/bed…
God help us, what have we let ourselves in for? ;-)
P.P.S. One (childless and only-child) friend favours the Chinese split-crotch trousers. When she has a baby, I intend to laugh and laugh.
15.
nyjlm | 01.8.08 at 4.52 pm
I hope you are feeling better about your wishes. I too wanted #2 to be a girl so, so badly. For me the choice was to keep it a surprise till the day of birth. I worried that if I found out it was a boy during the pregnancy I would be sad the rest of the timed, but if I learned right at the euphoric moment of giving birth I would be so excited the sex would be a non-issue. As it turned out, she was a girl. I was convinced she was a boy; my mouth has pretty much been hanging open since her birth (but that’s another story). These kids, they just bring surprises no matter what.
The shirt above is just lovely, and looks so soft.
16.
Julie | 01.9.08 at 6.52 am
I think what you are feeling is so natural, and the comments bear that out. We are trying for number 2, fingers crossed big time, and I am right there with you. I have always felt I would be the mother of boys, but I would really, really, really, love to have one of each (number one is an adorable, wonderful, fabulous, curly red headed boy). Best of luck to you with whatever happens.
17.
Cala | 01.12.08 at 10.25 am
When my brother and his lovely lady were waiting for their baby, I found myself resentful that they so desperately wanted a boy. I am, after all, the only girl in the ranks, and girls are so much better, after all! (just in case anyone is thinking it, I am not serious about that.) They got their wish and my lovely nephew Cameron is as much of a boy as one toddler can get.
Despite my love for my nephew, I still hope, wholeheartedly, that our first child will be a girl when the moment comes. I am so close to my mother and can’t help but want that kind of bond with my own little one. Regardless of the outcome, I know I will love all my spawn, but I can deeply identify with the desire to have a daughter and live that dream. At the same time, I hope kid #2 is a boy, too.
Parenting, I surmise, will be a big bank of surprises, the gender of our children being the least of them. We all relate differently, so why wouldn’t you want to experience something completely different from what you share with Otis? After all, what you have with him is all his. A little girl would leave the mother/son relationship to her brother and get to have a mother/daughter relationship all her own, too.
This is all to say that I get it, and hope that whatever the outcome, you continue to experience as much joy in the future as you do right now.
18.
paperdollsforboys | 04.15.08 at 5.08 am
You are brave to write what ALL of us feel before the birth or our second child. I had the same worries (not about the girl thing, I’ve always wanted boys, but about the enough love thing). Two things that surprised me, 1. at times I actually preferred the baby, sitting quietly breastfeeding was easier than dealing with the big guy and 2. the whole time I was pregnant and fretting about my reaction to the new baby I didn’t think about the incredible bond that develops between the 2 kiddos that has nothing to do with me. It’s lovely to behold. I think I’m coming late into the game here (just found your blog) so let me read back and see how you’re doing! Cheers, Tracey
19.
The Nest Baby New Arrival&hellip | 05.28.08 at 11.07 am
[...] a gender surprise. And most recently, two funny (when considered in tandem) posts at lilSugar and shiso mama about, respectively, that one-of-a-kind relationship between moms and sons… and that [...]